I know what my weaknesses are.

The Mountain Goats said it right. I've been thinking a lot about body image, goals, control, anger, determination, self-deceit, and denial lately. I'm on my own so called "path of discovery" with strength training and sticking to a clean diet. Maybe it's the guilt from drinking and eating pizza last night...but I feel like trying to understand this new mindset a bit more indepth.

There are thousands of books on the psychology of food, exercise, and self-image. I bought one of them today called Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth. I've also been watching clips from a short documentary called Bigorexia:

and tonight I plan on renting & watching Pumping Iron, the classic bodybuilding movie with my favorite - Ahhnold.

There's also The Body Image Project where women can write openly about their vision of themselves, their body image, and self-esteem.

This could go on and on. There are many support groups and forums for this sort of discussion. It is a fact that one way to find and solidify self-worth is through our bodies. It's natural that we would place our basic worth on appearance and body composition since...it's all that we truly own and control. I'm going to hazard a guess that people (like me for instance) who are dealing with general control issues and anger/depression in their lives often turn to transforming their bodies as a way to rebuild a feeling of control and self determination.

I'm going to try to draw a line between these ideas and some thoughts I had today in the Horticultural Therapy program I am volunteering with this summer. This morning was the first day of the season gardening with autistic children and teens - growing vegetables, herbs, and flowers. Autism, from my observations, seems to heighten all senses and awareness to the point of total distraction and restlessness. I wonder if this then contributes to a n overall lack of inhibition or self-consciousness. It's compelling to think of what there is to learn from people with Autism Spectrum Disorder - their world view, as well as their view of themselves. I am curious about the contrast between their reality versus that of people living with body dysmorphia disorder possibly as a obsession resulting in a heightened misperception of the self.

Maybe this is a stretch based on me over thinking what it means to be self aware versus so distracted by the outside world that you don't have time to consider let alone become obsessed with your body shape or appearance.

Does it come down to time available? Is it a coping mechanism we create to distract from other issues in our lives? Probably. And in a lot of cases it is completely constructive and builds an unshakeable sense of self-worth that no one could have falsely created for us.